Walking Backwards

I'm sick :(. Again. It's just allergies, but I've got a sore throat and headache and the like. I have an appointment to see my pulmonologist tomorrow because it is making my asthma unbearable. I love this time of year, but the ragweed and mold are killing me. Nico is also congested and crabby. I wish, sometimes, that I lived somewhere where the mere act of going outside didn't make you ill. I'm staying away from Annie's today for fear that I may have a sneezing fit all over the baby, but I am going to heavily dose myself on benedryl to make it up there tomorrow if I have to. I also want to take Nicholas to see the duck pond at the arboretum. We have been taking him to the pond here by our house, but the arboretum pond is close to an ice cream parlor that sells dairy-free ice cream ;). The weather here is beautiful and I don't want to waste it being sick inside. Austin has so many beautiful outdoor places that we don't get to see as often as we'd like because of the heat or inclement weather (you can't be too careful with a wild toddler). Maybe I'll take him on a walk this afternoon despite the weariness. The outdoors might do me some good, or at least make me feel that my illness is worthwhile.


This whole surrogate mother concept has really thrown both Joe and I for a loop. Joe has now gone back to his strong push for us to have another baby. While he was reading up on surrogacy, memories of when we were expecting Nicholas were conjured. Of course, he only brought up the good stuff and seemed to have pushed the hardships into the background. He told me last night that he wants another baby right now. Sheesh! Everyone wants babies out of me it seems. As for myself, I'm becoming increasingly confused as to what in the world I want. I had decided that Nicholas should be our only child a little bit after he was born. It wasn't an easy decision, but I think its the best one for our family. I want to be able to send my child to college, preschool, and be able to stay home and take care of my child myself. At the same time, I am also looking forward to focusing on my own life. I put off my career, travel, and most of my interests and hobbies. That's fine with me, I am willing to make these sacrifices to see my son grow-up first hand. That doesn't mean that I don't ever think longingly about having another child. Now, I'm being asked to go through what I want, emotionally, for myself, but that I have put aside for logical reasons. I am being asked to go through this for someone else. Just the idea of having to go through everything that pregnancy entails and then having to give up the life that I had started, to know that the beginning of this child's existence ends my role in its life. I want these two to be able to experience the joys of parenthood, though, and would love to be the person to provide that for them. The foster care system has let them down (they travel out of the country for work) and have tried unsuccessfully for so long. Maybe it will get easier to make a decision, maybe not. I am just hoping that the decision I make is the right one for everyone.