Walking Backwards

What a busy week we had! We have had so much to do, I've lost Monday and Tuesday along the way. Let's start with Wednesday then. Wednesday we met up with Bella and Miranda, whom I met online, to play at the Central Market playscape. Nicholas was being Mr. Independent and wouldn't play with us, but it was so nice to have another mom to talk to about mommy things. Miranda was such a cute little girl and Bella is quite an interesting woman. I hope we get to spend more time with them. After leaving the playscape, we picked up some stuff from Central Market (mmmmmm . . . pear juice) and went straight home, ignoring the errands we were supposed to be running. When I got home, I called one of Nicholas' preschool teachers, whom I had been e-mailing about watching Nicholas. Amazingly enough, she lives in our neighborhood and was able to come over to meet us that day. We have plans to start a care exchange in the fall, I'll spend time with her father and she'll watch my son. She left when Joe got home, so I didn't have a chance to make dinner like I had planned before I had to run out the door to meet Annie at the discount theatre to see Hidalgo. I got to return home to a sleepy baby and a husband who had done all of the dishes (*Yay* Joe). The next day was marathon errand running and house cleaning. I also tried to get in touch with some of Nicholas' classmates for the fall so maybe he can get to know some of them before his class starts. The library was closed when we went to visit it, so we just wandered around the park behind it. Friday, we went back to the library to return some seriously overdue books and get some new ones, we bought some new paints and posterboard, we cleaned the car, we wished we could go see Fahrenheit 9/11 and watched Travis enviously as he went, and we baked chocolate chip cookies, eating them hot out of the oven.

Today, I am hoping for some relaxation. My dad is coming to visit and to help us with planting our new orchid trees. We should probably work on the bathroom, but I'm feeling lazy. Tomorrow is church and dinner with Annie. Its going to be nice to just hang out. Catherine and I are supposed to work on plans for Annie's baby shower, but those plans are always fun to work on.

In other news, it looks like Cheney is feeling the pressure:
http://www.reuters.co.uk/newsPackageArticle.jhtml?type=worldNews&storyID=535538§ion=news

And, it always good to know that the FEC is on our side (please note sarcasm):
http://www.thehill.com/news/062404/moore.aspx

As you may have guessed from my lack of a follow-up entry yesterday, Nicholas didn't take a nap. He hasn't taken a nap yet today, either. This has lead to a certain amount of chaos in my house. You see, I clean when Nicholas is asleep and have been unable to clean since Tuesday. I also organize his activities for the next day. So here we are, sitting in a dirty house, with no plans to do anything, both completely exhausted. I may just leave for the day to avoid the dirty house part. The moment I leave the driveway just know he is going to fall asleep, though.


In other news, Joe got his travel rewards from the hotel he was staying at. We cashed them in right away and are going to the coast in September. Sadly, the hotel doesn't have a location in Port Aransas so we are going to have to go to Rockport, but that's okay. We get to go to the beach!! Nicholas hasn't ever been and I haven't been in years. I am quite excited to actually get a vacation.

I really want to write about my exciting day yesterday, but I still have a mountain of laundry to tackle and a baby who won't take a nap. I should have more time later in the day (read: when Nicholas finally goes to sleep). In the mean time, enjoy this hilariously funny "remote-control Bush." Please forgive me, all of you Republicans out there that actually read my journal, but it gave me a laugh.

http://www.kaicurryservices.com/peacecandy/gwbush/dishonestdubya/

I'm tired and I'm out of caffeine :(. I don't know what is going on, I had a Dr. Pepper this afternoon and I'm still out of it. I thought it might be because my blood sugar was out of whack, so I had a veggie burger and a tall glass of water, but I'm still a dizzy space-cadet. After I pick up Joe this evening, I am going to start dinner and lay down awhile. Hopefully, that will solve my problem. I probably just need a good night's sleep, but that prize is in the far-off horizon.

I am now overwhelmed by immense guilt from many fronts. First, I woke up this morning with a hellish headache that kept me in bed with my eyes closed for almost three hours (and out of commission for the rest of the day). Needless to say, this didn't allow me to celebrate father's day with my husband the way I wanted to. He has spent most of the day taking care of me, and for that I feel terribly guilty. I also feel guilty because I called my mother today and told her we weren't going to be able to make it to Washington this summer to scatter my grandmother's ashes. It would just be too hard on the baby to travel for at least five hours a day for four days straight, in the middle of which we would have to climb a mountain to scatter my grandmother's ashes from the summit. The flight alone is enough to deter me as he can't sit through a two hour car ride as it is. So, here I sit riddled with guilt (the chocolate bar and giant meatball sub aren't helping either).

I know, I know, its been almost a week since my last entry. I really do mean to update more, but I just haven't had much free time to play on the computer lately. Then, when I am on the computer, I have a ton of research to do about my school enrollment in the fall and about stuff to do with Nicholas (as well as trying to get frikin moveable type to work). Starting today I am going to try and pop in more, even if it is just to give a short two line entry, at least I'm doing something.

Being the middle of the year, I thought it would be a good idea to see what progress I have made on my new year's resolutions (see Jan.1st entry for further details). Some good, some bad, but here they are:

"1. Develop more organized activities for Nicholas.
- We have been doing the same routine for some time now and I wanted to add more
stuff to interest him. I also want to take him out for more activities out of the house."

Okay, I've started making a weekly chart with an activity to do each day for him. I bought several pre-school and toddler activity books and have enrolled him in several different programs. We don't get out of the house as much as I would like, but I'm anti-social by nature and it is Texas in the summer. I am going to try and set up some organized playdates and take him to some of the local kid's activities, but all in all I think I am doing well on this resolution.

"2. Learn to knit.
- I've wanted to be able to knit for a while and actually went to the local knitting supply store and got a book recommendation and a list of classes. I just have to do it."

So I bought 'Stitch and Bitch' and am actually working on a scarf right now. I haven't taken any lessons or done more than knitting in a strait line, but its a start.

"3. Become a more educated consumer.
- I boycott Wal-Mart because I don't believe in a lot of their practices and I know that
there are many companies out there that I wouldn't shop at if I knew their dirty little
secrets. I just need to spend more time learning about where my money goes. I also
want to try to support local businesses more."

Most of my shopping is now done at small, local businesses. I haven't set foot in a Wal-mart in months now. We are going through some financial hard times at the moment, so I hope I can hold strong against their unrealistic savings that force out other businesses.

"4. Take better care of my health.
- Since Nico came along I have been playing second fiddle in the personal care
department. I just want to make sure that I am drinking enough water, that I eat well
food regularly, and start back with a little bit of my "pretty myself" routine. It will make me feel better."

Some effort has been done in this area, but I keep slipping back into my old habits. I get going for about a month and then do poorly for about a month. With Joe home from traveling now, we are hoping to start walking every night and I do make a normal, healthy meal every evening.

"5. Spend more time working on the house.
- We are in here for the long haul apparently. I can finally start to settle in."

I am mostly concentrating on getting the yard in order right now and cleaning out the garage. We have finished getting plywood in the attic, but the work in the bathroom has stalled. Hopefully, as soon as we get some money, we can hire an electrician to come out.

"6. Get some of Nicholas' baby book done.
- He is almost two after all and I haven't even done the page for his baby shower."

Er, I haven't done anything on the baby book at all. I have gotten all the photos into boxes, though, and gotten the memorabilia labeled. This is going to be moved up to a stronger priority for the rest of the year.

Was today an interesting day! We actually made it in the door of the local Unitarian church. It was a lot better than my recent excursions into the church, and the subject matter of the sermon was something I was truly interested in. I only got to sit through half of the service before the little one decided to pull me out the door, but the nursery I took him to was incredible. It exceeded my expectations. It had its own courtyard with tons of outdoor toys and a swingset. The staff on hand were all early childhood specialists and there were also a ton of parents there. Nicholas couldn't believe the wealth of new toys he had at his disposal. If we do go back, I know he won't let me out of his sight at first, but I think this is the place that would make him break away a little. The people were very friendly and the church itself is affiliated with CUUPS (for those of you questioning how I could set foot inside a church [not that I'm affiliated with CUUPS, just saying how offbeat it is]). We shall see how Joe feels about it.


I looked at my calendar today and found out that if Joe and I want to have another baby (see previous post), we have another three weeks to decide if we want to have a baby in the next year. I need the baby to be born at the beginning of the summer for my and Nico's school schedules. Since I use a birth control option that lasts for three months and my next dose is in July. . . We have a lot to think about in a short period of time. The pressure is on from the family too, and I find myself weighing the options more often every day. The truth is that I don't want Nicholas growing up without the closeness of a sibling relationship. At the same time, I feel really selfish about what I want to do with my life. Also, there is this ten pounds I have been trying unsuccessfully to lose. I know there is not going to be a strait forward answer, but for anyone who knows absolutely, let me know.

God, I love this. Its probably because one of Nicholas' first intelligible words was "mine." I know, great.

Toddler Property Laws

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.

Trying to come up with things to avoid talking about the Reagan memorial.

Going in reverse of what I usually do, I am going to post a message I wrote on one of my message boards. I think its the rain, but I have gotten quite withdrawn and contemplative:

Nicholas is my only child. Before he was even born, I swore up and
down to anyone who suggested otherwise that Nico was always going to
be the one and only fruit of my womb. Now, it seems, I am having
stabs of guilt and of desire at the idea of having another little
one. Nicholas was an unexpected surprise, coming years earlier than
we had planned and during a time where I was unable to fully enjoy my
pregnancy. I had always envisioned the joy of our friends and
family, the self-awareness, the giddy anticipation and preparation.
While none of these things happened the way that they should have,
the pleasure of having Nicholas overrode any negativity forced upon
me by anyone else. I also came to realize that the idealized version
I had of pregnancy was just a fantasy of someone who didn't know any
better. After he was born, we suffered with Nicholas as we worked
through his milk protein allergy, his soy allergy, his sensitivity to
certain stimuli. Now, he is a typical "high-needs" toddler. He
tantrums and screams. He goes days without eating in protest. He
knows his colors and letters and loves to yell out shapes. He laughs
whenever he hears someone else laughing. He looks like he is only
eighteen months, when he just turned two last month and he can't
behave in any social situation (even in classes for children his
age). He is a joy and a testament to my patience, as all children
are I suppose. Now, my husband and I have been feeling increasing
pressure to have more children. I am able to block out other's
suggestions, to come back with some sarcastic retort, but I am having
a more difficult time blocking out my own inner voice. Am I being
selfish to want to proceed with my own life goals instead of pushing
my desires aside for another few years? Am I a terrible person for
leaving my son alone with no sibling, a situation I would have hated
to suffer through myself? Am I afraid that my second pregnancy would
be as hard as the first, with illness, work, pre-term labor, and then
a very post-term delivery? Is my secret desire to have another child
just an attempt to rectify my difficult beginnings with the last? Do
I have the energy to pour so much of myself into another person, when
it seems I am giving all I have now? So what I'm asking, in a very
long winded fashion, is how someone takes the step to having more
children. How do you quiet the internal dialog long enough to figure
out what you really want and what is the best decision to make? If
you do decide not to have any more children, will it always be in the
back of your mind, accompanied by the "what if" of what life would be
like if you had only had one?

Jamie

This makes me happy:

WANTED: Fun, fashionable, fed-up women whose bras are too attractive to burn. Prefer brunching to brow-beating, but willing to throw their cocktails in the face of oppression, sexism and the lies that make up "compassionate conservatism." Pull up a stool, we're the women you've been looking for. "Bush is OUT in 2004!"

Call me High Maintenance, but I demand a lot more from my President!

http://www.womenagainstbush.org/home.html

I feel like I am going to be sick. Nico and I did edible play-doh today as one of our projects and I am getting the idea that whomever came up with the recipe didn't intend someone to just sit there and eat it. Nico loved it and loved sticking bits of cereal and colored sugar in it. He also liked eating it, but I think the majority of it was consumed by me.

Wow, am I tired. I haven't been sleeping very well for the past few days. Every little thing seems to wake me up and I have also had nightmares. It hasn't been pleasant. Nico is also waking up a lot in the middle of the night, for what reason I don't know. We are both very cranky. I tried to lay down with him for his nap this afternoon, but wasn't able to go to sleep. Probably because I had just dosed myself with caffeine, thinking that he was going to skip his nap today (it was already 5:30 and he showed no indication of wanting to go to sleep). He slept until almost eight, so he isn't to keen on going to sleep now. I am hoping that I can calm him down with a bath. Good thing we don't have too much to do tomorrow.


Spring cleaning took a detour this week, because Joe surprised me by coming home in the middle of the week for his normal weekend. I am going to have to go into overdrive this weekend and the beginning of the week to catch up. Having Joe home did give me a chance to move Nicholas' furniture into his room, though. I'm so excited the baby finally has his own room. He even has a big boy bed to sleep in. I'll have to post pictures of it later. The room still looks really barren because there is nothing on the walls and all of his toys are still in his playroom. Our room also looks particularly empty now that it is missing the baby's dresser and changing table. Who knew our house was so big?


In closing -
For whomever actually reads this journal, please take the time to voice your support for Amnesty International's campaign 'Stop Violence Against Women':
http://web.amnesty.org/actforwomen/index-eng