Walking Backwards

I got all of my school-work done today about fifteen minutes before I left for class. This week has been difficult; I had two exams, two papers, one quiz, and an insane amount of reading to do. Because of all of this work, I have put everything else in my life on the back burner, including my son. I am so remorseful about this. School registration for the summer is about to begin, but I don't know if I want to enroll because I feel like the involvement that I need for school is taking away from the involvement I want to have with my son. Admittedly, most weeks are not this bad, but they do happen, and I know that I am missing out on a lot even when the work load is not overwhelming. I also miss having a life when I get home. All of my free-time is spent either with homework or catching up on my sorely neglected housework/laundry. I really mean all of it, too. This writing in my journal is the only thing today that I have done that has not been about school, providing for Nicholas' basic needs, or housework. I know that sacrifices have to be made to get this, and I'm willing to lose all of my individual freedoms for this, but I don't want to make my son suffer for my ambitions. I have to wonder how most people can handle these decisions. There aren't any parents of toddlers in my classes, so I have no way of reconciling my decisions with the decisions of others. I just am wondering at this point if what I am missing out on is worth what I am gaining back from it.

I am a person who is so easily amused. I have a pre-paid cellphone (from a company that will remain nameless) to attempt to retain my classification as a luddite. Because this is my first cellphone ever, the little things like ringtones are cause for excitement in me. The phone service I have offers voice-mail greetings as well. I really want to download the Issac Hayes greeting. I think it would really confuse my mother, though.

School has dumped a ton of work in my lap and I'm going out of town this weekend for Easter. I planted the trees in my front yard. My last pap smear (first after my LEEP procedure) came back abnormal. I told Joe and he sounded like he wanted to cry. His co-worker's fiancee just died last week from complications of cervical cancer treatment.

I'm so bad at updating this thing. Now that spring break is over, I finally get around to sitting at the computer. Before I get around to last week's recap, though, I have to say that I am really glad to return to programming as usual. I never thought that I would see the day when I was looking forward to the end of vacation. It isn't as if we didn't enjoy ourselves, its just that everything seems to run so much more smoothly when we are in our routine. I know what to do when and what to expect. I need structure.

As for what we did this week, I don't know if I can remember it all. Last Sunday was my birthday and I got a lot of great goodies from my buddies. Joe took me out to dinner at one of my favorite French restaurants in town, I got a book from Maria, Home Depot giftcards from my family, a set of organic cotton pajamas from Annie, and lots of well wishes. Annie also made me a green curry soup on Tuesday night when we went over, since I never get curry at home (the boys don't like it). It was a lot of fun. I spent the entire day of Sunday working in my garden and Joe took me to the local organic gardening nursery and bought me some new plants for my front beds. It was a very good birthday.

During the week Nicholas and I went out almost every day. On Tuesday we went to Radijazz, a local Austin "playnasium", with Cathy and her two girls. Afterward we all went out for pizza (for the kids) and salads and eggplant sandwiches (for the mommies). Nicholas did not want to leave Radijazz; he was having so much fun. They had a the biggest playscape I have ever seen. Being spring break it was incredibly crowded and noisy and Cathy and I decided lunch would be a better idea after about an hour and a half.

On Thursday, we drove out to Marble Falls and picked strawberries at Sweet Berry Farm. Nicholas loved helping pick strawberries and putting them in the basket we were given. He did have a little trouble with picking under-ripe berries. He would get so excited at finding a red berry that he wouldn't check to make sure that it was fully red yet. We are probably going to go later in the season to get enough strawberries to make our jam for the year, but the strawberry cobbler we made was a nice season opener.

The rest of the week we played in the neighborhood a lot. We fed the ducks at a local pond, but they were stuffed from all the children visiting that they just glided by our breadcrumbs. We visited several friends in town and just laid low for the most part. I painted on wall in our dining room a beautiful sueded red color. We planted our vegetable patch. My dad visited us on Saturday and I took Nicholas to the Westlake Farmer's Market where we had black cherry lemonade and basil pesto scones. I almost bought and asiatic lily there, but didn't. We bought some cut jewel-colored dahlias that are in a vase on my table now instead. I helped the neighbors across the street lay there patio and got my trees that I'm planting in the front yard.

Anyway, that was my week. I now have loads of homework to do that I have left in my bag the whole week. I also have got to go to the grocery store, which I haven't done all week either. I'm such a slacker.

I really want to do an entry because I just finished my last class and have begun spring break, but my endometriosis is giving me some problems and I am really going to have to go lay down. More tomorrow night (and its a good entry too - I taught Nico's preschool class on Tuesday).

Oh, I forgot to mention that I went out on Friday and got a haircut. It looks exactly the same, just about an inch shorter. I asked for a cut that was wash-and-wear and easy to maintain; I guess I already had it. The ends aren't crackly any more, though, and I got an awesome scalp massage with mint oil. I also have switched from regular shampoo to an herbal shampoo bar and vinegar rinse. I love the smell of it, but am going through the "adjustment" phase so my hair is rather unruly right now. We shall see how it goes.

I sit here at the end of the weekend feeling, once again, like I am behind the eight-ball and that nothing was accomplished. It wouldn't be so bad if I actually able to say that I got some rest, but alas, no such luck. The reason behind all this is my brother, of course. On Thursday afternoon he wrecked his car and I have been driving him around every day since. It really wouldn't be so bad if he didn't go to school every day in another city. I always volunteer to help my brother whenever he has car trouble, but in my haste to be a good sister, I forget what a pain it is. Tomorrow will be the last day, though, because Joe and I found him a car today. We found it in the paper and Joe took it for a test drive. So, unless the guy sells it from under us and walks away with our $100 deposit, I'm no longer the chauffeur starting Monday night.

I have to tell the story of the accident because I've heard it two dozen times already and haven't had a chance to relay it myself. Travis was driving to his piano lesson on Thursday and had made it about two miles down the highway from our house when a lady a few cars in front of him got a flat tire. Instead of being an intelligent and considerate driver, she just stopped her car in the right lane in the middle of the highway. I understand that there are some situations where you do have to stop your car right then and there, but this wasn't one of them. She could have moved the fifty yards that would have enabled her to pull the car onto the shoulder, but she didn't. Eventually when the police came she moved her car up and over with no troubles at all. Well, so, there was a woman who stopped in the right lane of the highway (with no shoulder at that point [on a small bridge]); when she stopped the school bus that was driving behind her came to a complete stop. Travis was driving behind the school bus and tried to get over, but the person in the car next to him wouldn't let him over. He slammed on his brakes, but he still hit the school bus. His car was totaled, the school bus barely sustained a dent. The school bus was empty for those who are wondering. I, myself, asked if the school bus had any children on it just after making sure my brother wasn't injured.

So that is the story of the car accident. I won't go into the boring details of getting all of Travis' stuff from the wrecker lot at eight o'clock at night with two really scary guys standing over us, nor will I talk about the ensuing chaos that this event caused in my schedule. Instead I'll talk about the other events (or event) that we attended this weekend, Megan's third birthday party. Nicholas has a great deal of fun, although he mostly played by himself. The have a giant trampoline and that was the thrill of all the toddlers'. The birthday theme was the most interesting, Megan chose snakes. Freud would have been proud. For several weeks, when I drove her to and from school, when the subject of her birthday was brought up she would say that all she wanted for her birthday was a purple snake cake. And she got one. They had a "snake pit" that you had to walk over on a balance beam and lots of snake pictures to color. When the kids went home, they all got to take home one of the snake toys that filled the snake pit. Nicholas wouldn't take his nap without it. Joe and I didn't enjoy the party as much, sadly. We didn't really have as much in common with the people there as would have enabled us to hold meaningful conversations with them. Bill and Cathy are fun to be around, but we felt a little too out of place. I am so bad at being social.

This morning has been great :). Nicholas went in to school with Cathy this morning without complaint after sleeping through the night for the first time in ages. He is now on allergy medication and singulair and with that there were no coughing fits or breathing problems in the middle of the night. I really didn't want to put him on medication, but we live in Texas and everyone here has to take allergy medicine it seems. We also bought him a white noise machine to block out all of the house sounds at night. It is so neat! Nicholas likes the heartbeat sound, but I am partial to the summer night. A good night sleep makes everyone feel better and I will do whatever I have to at this point to get it.

With Nicholas in school this morning, I got to spend a leisurely couple of hours to myself. I talked on the phone with my dad for awhile and worked in the yard (even though it is wet and cold outside). I also went to Hill Country Weavers and picked up some awesome yarn (hehehe, that sounds funny)to make my next scarf. Right before the little guy showed up, I ordered tickets to the Austin Lyric Opera production of the Marriage of Figaro for Joe and I. Now all I need is a cup of fancy coffee and my morning will be complete.

Nicholas is needing me now so I better be off, we need to go to the grocery store today and I want to keep him as happy as possible until then.

*sigh* I fear that I am not very popular in my American Lit. class now. Last evening we reviewed the last test I took and the teacher told the class that he would have worried about the difficulty of the test if I hadn't scored a hundred-percent. He said that if someone in the class can make a hundred, then no one else had an excuse and that none of the questions would be thrown out. He then went on to say that the final grade of the class was scored on a curve and that whomever had the highest amount of points would determine the scale for the class. The girl who sits next to me leaned over and told me that I better start slacking. She said it as a joke, of course, but I still feel very uncomfortable. When did it become so unacceptable to do well in a class? I really try my hardest and don't miss a lesson. I read all my homework and I study, why should I feel like I am doing something wrong? I do, though. I feel like I should cover up my grades and put my papers away as soon as possible. I hate feeling like that. Tonight, my philosophy class meets and I hope that it turns out to be a little more pleasant. We are getting back our first major papers (mine is on democratic individualism in both the Platonic dialogues Apology and Crito and in the civil rights movement - I know you are dying to read it ;)) and I think I did well. I am just tired of being made to feel like an outcast because I work so hard.